Daydreams are so……What’s the word I need here, humm…….I know! Silly.
Like this morning, when I woke up. I started re-hashing the day before. It was one of those ‘got up late, missed a belt loop’ kinda days. You know; one of those ‘I wanna’ be anywhere but here’ days, no matter where you are. You know what I mean….sure ya’ do. And you know how daydreams are. Sort of like nightdreams; you go from a bicycle to a boat, then to a room that you know but can’t see. Talking to a dude you to know, but can’t see. Then you wake up (at least you think you did) and continue the saga of silly. This particular morning the silly went into overdrive. (When it does that, just go with it, right?). For some reason, I was trying to dig up my earliest memories. I went back as far as I could (and fell asleep again)… My earliest memory…In the beginning…
In the beginning, the first thing I ever did was notice something. So I BECAME!
I BECAME a ‘NOTICER’. I noticed that there was a light. I noticed that I must “BE” to notice the light. Because… there it was. I must be a light ‘noticer’. Yea, that’s it… I am a light noticer. I don’t know exactly how long I stayed in that state; staring at the light; but one (day?) I noticed something else. I noticed the light MOVED! This is where it get’s all screwed up, because I also noticed that I could hear the light that I noticed was now moving; and that I couldn’t stop any of this… new, wonderful, becoming of movement and light and sound and stuff…. It was then that I decided….decided? I have BECOME a DECIDER! You see, I WANTED to stop the movement of the sound of the light, so I could look at it. So I had to decide, because I no longer WANTED to BE a ‘NOTICER’ anymore so I ‘DECIDED’ not to. It was then that I NOTICED… that the sights and sounds of the movement continued no matter what I decided. So It was then that I realized…. I REALIZZZZED?, damn, now I have BECOME a ‘REALIZER’ too???? So, finally, I REALIZED I was doomed TO-BE a watcher of the noisy moving light. A decision has to be made! I don’t want this. Want?
Maybe this could be going back a little too far; …anyway, I notice that I’ve been noticing things for a very long time now. I finally FIGURED OUT that all the noisy light wasn’t really moving at all. It twas’ I that were doing the moving. Not because I WANTED to move, I was BEING moved by jolly and against my will to boot! I didn’t WANT this, I WANTED to be a ‘WANTER’, and I still do. Above it all, by ding do dally, I want things! But wait…I have things…don’t want em’, but I got em’. Where did they come from? From? What is “from”? Now I’m a little frightened. All the noticing of the movement has taken me somewhere, and now I know I am SOMEWHERE. Noticing this made me WANT to BE somewhere else. Time to sit down. Sit?? Oh well. Sit. Sit and notice. Notice that I am somewhere, and I have things; and most important…..I want to be somewhere else… and have something else… What to do???
It took me years to FIGURE OUT that even if light makes sound, well, it just shouldn’t, because I don’t WANT it to. But what could I do, I had BECOME something. I need to figure out how to un-be some of these things that I have BECOME, without, at the same time, BECOMING something else, like a FIGURE-OUTER. The last thing I WANT to DO is to BECOME something else as I FIGURE OUT how to BECOME UN-BEEN. This time it will be different, because I’ve LEARNED. The question now is, have I, or did I? Have I BECOME a LEARNER? This is where I FIGURED OUT that I really didn’t know. Did I BECOME a LEARNER, or did I REALIZE I was a LEARNER, FIGURE OUT I was a LEARNER… Did I simply NOTICE I was a LEARNER, or do I WANT to be one…? Do you see where I’m going with all this? Are you following my wonderful revelation? So this is where I find myself; I think I finally have a solution to my dilemma. There’s only one way to DO something without BECOMING a DOER,that is to TRY something that I FIGURED OUT that I didn’t WANT to WANT. ( I couldn’t help but notice), I have figured out that I’ve decided to want to not become the learner that I have become, and do absolutely nothing about it!